Monday, October 25, 2010

no. 25: we are family...

dear little leah,

at the beginning of the month, when i first decided to write one letter to you each day in october, i started a list of possible ideas. i knew that some days i'd want to write about whatever happened that day or something i hadn't thought of until later in the month, so i left a few days blank. some of the ideas i originally wrote down i really want to write about, but i just haven't been able to find the words. so those got pushed to the side.

but there's one that just keeps nagging. i kept skirting around it and it kept showing up again. the word on the list was siblings.

i have three siblings - two older brothers and one little sister. you know that! we are all very different. so different, in fact, that sometimes i'm still surprised that we're actually all friends. but we are. i get to see two of them in two weeks and i'm antsy with anticpation.
but i don't mean my siblings, leah. i mean siblings for you.

oh, little leah. sometimes i just don't know what to think. i really, truly want you to have siblings. plural. more than one. my original plan was to have another baby in between your second and third birthdays. as your walking was delayed, it was an enormous stress on me and daddy and we pushed it back a little. by the time you were two and a half, we decided we were ready. and, for the last 16 months we have been "ready", but it just hasn't happened.

i'm not sure why. we had no problems getting you here. as in you-took-a-month no problems. there have been days...and months {in particular last fall}...where i've been super glad another sibling was NOT on his or her way. and there have been days where i have ached to be holding your brother or sister in my arms.

i've watched friends and family members get pregnant with their first, second, third and fourth children after we decided we were ready...and then deliver those children already. i've watched friends struggle with infertility and miraculously become pregnant. i've watched friends adopt. i've watched friends be upset that they are having a child. i've watched friends be surprised. i've watched friends plan it perfectly and have it go according to plan. and all the while i wait.

to top it off, you absolutely love babies. if we go anywhere a baby is, you stop and stare. you smile. you giggle. you pat ever so gently. you are so interested and so in love with these new and perfect beings.

i definitely have my fears about siblings for you. i worry about how i'll feed them...and you. dress them...and you. change them...and you. carry them...and you. but i know it will work out.

i worry about the age difference being too much. but i know it will work out.

i worry about disciplining them and holding them to one standard when i don't and can't hold you to that same standard because your abilities will be different. but i know it will work out.

i wonder if they'll understand you. if they'll advocate for you and stick up for you. i wonder if they'll see you as different or if they'll just accept you for who you are. i worry that they might think it's not "cool" to be around you. i wonder if they'll ever just be silly with you. but i know it will all work out. 

i've had my moments of anger in the past 16 months, but mostly i feel at peace. i really do think you'll get siblings one day. i have no idea when and i really don't know how they'll join our family. but i just feel like they'll get here, somehow, when the timing is right...because our family is definitely not complete. 

i also have the most wonderful feeling that they will be prepared to be in our family. they will understand the challenges that will come, but they will be up to the challenge. they will also see the countless rewards and blessings and will feel rewarded and blessed themselves to have leah as their big sister. those are some lucky kiddos if you ask me.

leah, you are going to be the best big sister this world has ever known. and i'm so excited for that day - whenever it is. you've already blessed my life so much and teach me countless lessons each day. i can only imagine what your future siblings will teach me and what you will all teach each other.

i love you, little leah. to the moon and back. and i can't wait to love your siblings too. whenever they're ready.




  1. i second that, bean you will be a GREAT big sister. i can tell by how much you love mack and e:) and ps, mare you have convinced me to dye my hair back really dark due to that picture of you and dan. thank you:)

  2. Sarah is my last child, but my second child, John, was a long time coming..... my first came the first month, and sarah came with ease, but with john, ahh... the agony. I kept a journal while we were trying and waiting that was written to the future baby. About how we were waiting for 'you' and how i just knew you'd be special because of the care apparently being chosen to pick just the right child for our family. We would patiently wait, but longed for 'you' daily.
    And when he finally decided to settle with us, he turned out to be a true gift indeed. Definately, worth the wait!!
    I have the journal and have to continued to write in it occasionally as he grew, reflecting on him, over the years. In fact, i just wrote in it a few weeks ago. He doesn't know about it and he's 21. One of these days I will hand it over.

    Whatever child comes your way will be so very special!

  3. Just so you know, Leah's future siblings are in my prayers. They have been for a little while now. :)