Sunday, January 18, 2009

truth be told...

This picture just epitomizes little bean at 23 months. Big blue eyes, long sweet eyelashes, curly pig tails, and her dollie nearby. Truth be told, it's been a rough few months. And that's the understatement of the year. I've really been struggling lately with her still not feels as if I've somehow failed. If I can't teach her to do something so innate in 99% of humans...and if there is no medical reason for it, what is MY problem?

I have good days and bad days. And I've probably had more bad days than good as of late, but I'll take full responsibility for that. Every time I read a blog post about how some other mother thinks that this age is just "the best!" or loves all their child is learning or doing, I just break down inside. I'm not sure my pillow has been dry in months. It's hard to go to mother's group or church or anywhere without trying to hide the fact that I'm NOT really ecstatic about how this 9 month old is cruising or this 11 month old is walking. It has NOTHING to do with these particular kids or their parents. It has everything to do with me. Selfish, yes. But it's my life right now and it's hard to feel that you're "failing" at you full-time job while so many others are "succeeding".

I know many would say that I'm not failing; that I'm doing the best I can and it's out of my control. That there's a reason for it even if I don't know what that reason is right now. And you can tell me that until you're blue in the face, but I still feel as if somehow, it should be me who fixes this...and I can't!

A lot of days I just put a fake smile on my face and walk out the door hoping to fool everyone that I'm doing just fine. Other days I really AM doing just fine!

I don't mean this post to be a "poor maren" post and it is in no way intended as an attack on anyone. I've just felt that I needed to get my feelings out somehow...and my journal is beginning to be a dismal record at best. :) I seem to only write on the bad days. It's not meant to be a post so I can receive countless comments on how cool I am, either. I already know I'm cool. :)

Hopefully I will learn what I need to learn from this experience and that in 5 years, I won't be carrying her to elementary school. Hopefully.

For now, I'll just look at this sweet little picture and hope that I'm doing an okay job with this incredible little spirit with whom I've been entrusted.