no. 24: hey, i'm a receiver

dear little leah, 

i'm kind of an independent gal. i like to be alone and do things on my own. i like feeling able in all aspects of my life. i've never considered myself a needy person. and, until recently, was most definitely on the giving end of the scale of life. 

enter: you. 

it's been an interesting and hard and humbling lesson for me to learn, and i'm not all the way there yet. on the one hand, i don't like asking others for help and i don't like to feel like a charity case. i don't like feeling incapable of accomplishing anything in my life. on the other hand, i'm ever-so-grateful for the help that has been offered on our family's behalf. 

dinners. babysitting. prayers. monetary donations. well wishes. shoulders to lean and to cry on. listening ears.  thoughtful and encouraging notes. the list could go on and on. and, sadly, i'm sure i'm not even aware of all the kind acts performed on my behalf. and the whole transition has been altogether uncomfortable for me. feelings of inadequacy and neediness {oh, the shame!}. putting on a brave face when all i want to do is crumble into a puddle of tears. wondering when, exactly, i might see a spec of light at the end of the rett tunnel. 

and yet, i have no problem giving this kind of service to others. i'm not the most thoughtful person on the planet, but i try to see the needs of others and help them out if i'm able. i don't mind bringing a warm dinner to someone in need, or cleaning their bathroom, or donating a few dollars, or watching their children, or offering prayers on their behalf or just listening when they need to talk. and i don't ever think of these individuals and families as charity cases or needy.

so why, then, do i feel so awkward and less-than-able and full of shame when i'm on the receiving end? i really don't have an answer. i'm not sure why we feel so inadequate when we need help from others. isn't that what this life is all about? to serve and be served and to help each other come unto Christ? that's what i've been taught. and i do believe it. yet it's still such a hard lesson to put into practice. 

but i'm working on it. and i wanted to send a little thank you your way for helping me to learn this lesson. for allowing me to begin to know how good it feels to be served and loved and thought of when i feel so alone. for helping me to understand the importance of letting others serve even if it means feeling a little inadequate and not so independent every once in awhile. thanks for humbling me and sending me to my knees on my darkest and dreariest days only to watch answers to my prayers unfold right before my eyes in the form of a family member or friend. you're a tricky girl, teaching your mom all these big, fancy lessons. and i love you all the more for it. to the moon and back.

love, 

mommy