Monday, September 27, 2010

i'm not fit to be your mother...

oh little leah, 

why must we have days like this? 

why must you be cheerful all morning and then scream for three hours for reasons still  unknown to me? why can't i know what is hurting you? why aren't you able to tell me? why do i get so frustrated that the only way to keep both of us safe is to strap you into mr. bob {with both armbraces on} and close your bedroom door hoping i won't hear you and you'll fall asleep out of pure exhaustion {you did, by the way}. 
why do i have to feel so inadequate in this world of special needs? why can i think of more than a handful of mothers who are better equipped to handle you than i am? why does this have to be so darn hard some days?

why? why? why? 

today i have no answers. i'm sure one day i will. but today i don't. and i'm sorry for that.

but i love you. to the moon and back. 



  1. oh mare, i'm hugging you right now. i have many of those days, but i know it's hard when leah can't talk to you. i love you you know.

  2. Oh man Maren....I can feel your pain through your words. I wish I could say I have some AMAZING words of advice that will make this all go away...but I can't but I can say I know EXACTLY how you are feeling at this very moment, know that I am praying for you and for our cure. Love ya girl!!

  3. I'm so sorry you and Leah had a rough day. It is SO painful to see our girls upset and to have no way to soothe them. I have to disagree with the title of you entry, however. You are a wonderful mother to Leah and she is so blessed to have you. Hugs to you both!!

  4. me too me too. INADEQUATE. i should have it tattooed on my face just to let people know Im coming.
    big hugs and cannot wait to see you in DAYS!

  5. Today, I was thinking a lot of those similar things...I think that's why I was on the computer a lot...trying to escape? Not sure. I kept having "why" enter my mind over and over again. Sometimes it all feels so surreal -- how did I really get here? It's so crazy isn't it? I'm not just saying this to toot your horn here, but you are amazing and I have a pretty good idea why you're Leah's mommy. Hang in there. Love you.

  6. You are not an inadequate Mommy...we are just all just doing the best we can and no one can expect more. You love Leah with all of your heart and soul, that makes you the BEST Mommy! I hate that we have days like this, hate that they can't tell us what is wrong, and I just hate Rett Syndrome!

  7. Oh Maren, I can't tell you how many times these questions have crossed MY mind when I'm trying to stay calm through an endless screaming fit. Sending you hugs and prayers!!