Friday, March 26, 2010

i feel blue

dear little leah,

i feel blue. {ten points to you if you can name the tv show.}not all the time, but i feel blue a lot of the time now.

now, before you go and get all self-conscious on me, let's get something straight: yes, you make me feel blue. BUT, it's not your fault. it's mine.

it's probably hard for you to understand. i barely understand it myself. but, when i became a mommy, i had so many dreams and pictures of the way your life would be when you were three. i envisioned you roller skating through the house on plastic fisher price skates. chatting up a storm. dressing up in tutus. reciting the alphabet. saying hilarious things and wondering where in the world you came up with them. talking back to me like a sass. not wearing a diaper. sleeping in a big girl bed. being a big sister. singing silly songs. choosing your own mismatched clothes.

sometimes i feel like i've had plenty of time to get over all of this. but i guess i haven't. some days i just feel blue. and blue has never been my favorite color {for the record, it's green}.

i think i put on a pretty good happy face. most people don't know i'm blue. or they don't know how blue i am. or maybe just how often i'm blue. don't worry. it's not depression or anything. lots of things make me happy {including you}, but i think i'm still kind of mourning for the leah i first envisioned. i'm still grieving for all those dreams i had. and i need to let them die.

this isn't to say i have no dreams or goals for you now. they've just changed. i get excited about the little things now, and that's probably not such a bad thing. i know you have a lot of potential. but, i have to admit, it's kind of overwhelming for me to try and figure out how to tap into that potential. i feel like i'm drowning in a blue ocean of information and ideas and at the same time i feel like the information i need is in a completely different ocean. i just need to find my way.

will you help me?

maybe just give me a big grin when you like the way i'm doing something. give me those little nudges of yours when i'm headed in the right direction. we'll make it. i know we will.

and someday {soon, i hope} i'll feel a little more green. like my favorite new dress for you. i love you to the moon and back.


p.s. the tv show is friends.


  1. Oh how I wish I could help. You sure do put on a good happy face, but I don't feel like you're hiding anything. I love when you talk about Leah. It's so real. You are so sincere about how hard it is and your eyes light up so much at the little things that you discover about her. It warms my heart.

  2. Wow! I love how you put it. I too have been struggling with the daily joy and grief silently while the world just goes on around me. I have enjoyed your blog, thank you for sharing it. I hope that you find a really brilliant green moment sometime soon!