i feel blue

dear little leah,

i feel blue. {ten points to you if you can name the tv show.}not all the time, but i feel blue a lot of the time now.

now, before you go and get all self-conscious on me, let's get something straight: yes, you make me feel blue. BUT, it's not your fault. it's mine.

it's probably hard for you to understand. i barely understand it myself. but, when i became a mommy, i had so many dreams and pictures of the way your life would be when you were three. i envisioned you roller skating through the house on plastic fisher price skates. chatting up a storm. dressing up in tutus. reciting the alphabet. saying hilarious things and wondering where in the world you came up with them. talking back to me like a sass. not wearing a diaper. sleeping in a big girl bed. being a big sister. singing silly songs. choosing your own mismatched clothes.

sometimes i feel like i've had plenty of time to get over all of this. but i guess i haven't. some days i just feel blue. and blue has never been my favorite color {for the record, it's green}.

i think i put on a pretty good happy face. most people don't know i'm blue. or they don't know how blue i am. or maybe just how often i'm blue. don't worry. it's not depression or anything. lots of things make me happy {including you}, but i think i'm still kind of mourning for the leah i first envisioned. i'm still grieving for all those dreams i had. and i need to let them die.

this isn't to say i have no dreams or goals for you now. they've just changed. i get excited about the little things now, and that's probably not such a bad thing. i know you have a lot of potential. but, i have to admit, it's kind of overwhelming for me to try and figure out how to tap into that potential. i feel like i'm drowning in a blue ocean of information and ideas and at the same time i feel like the information i need is in a completely different ocean. i just need to find my way.

will you help me?

maybe just give me a big grin when you like the way i'm doing something. give me those little nudges of yours when i'm headed in the right direction. we'll make it. i know we will.

and someday {soon, i hope} i'll feel a little more green. like my favorite new dress for you. i love you to the moon and back.

love,
mommy

p.s. the tv show is friends.