Friday, February 10, 2012

sdrawkcab day

dear little leah, 

last week at school, you had "sdrawkcab day" {more commonly known as backwards day}. my oh my did you fit the part. we're talkin' a turned around cardigan and some inside out french braids. you did everything backward at school, like free time at the end of the day and snack and circle at the beginning. the welcome board with your picture and all of your friends' pictures was on the other side of the room...and it was upside down! miss martin walked around backward looking into a mirror to see behind her. and to top it off, when i came to pick you up, you and all the other kids walked out to us...yup, backward. it was pretty awesome.

except for one thing: your personality fit the part that day too. you were completely backward. to keep things peaceful on the blog, let's just say we made a mutual decision to not be friends that day. i didn't like you one bit and i'm 110% certain you felt the same about me.

you kicked. you screamed. you hit. you bit. you pinched. you flailed. you gnashed. you did it all. 

and i, well, i screamed. a lot. 

i'm not here to say i'm proud of it, because i'm really not. but leah, you made me so angry! i was trying to be kind and do all the things i need to do for you every day, but i just wasn't getting the love in return. and it's hard to serve someone who isn't appreciative of that service. 

well, the day wore on, bedtime came and you fell asleep. i fell asleep a few hours later, crying. i was exhausted. 

the next day was better. much, much better. in fact, you had quite a few days right in a row that were downright awesome. 

and then backwards leah struck again. it was all too familiar. the kicking. the screaming. the hitting. the biting, pinching, flailing and gnashing. it was all back.

only this time, i decided that even though i had zero control over how you behaved, i had complete control over the way i did. and i chose to not scream. i chose to stay calm. and to give you the benefit of the doubt. i chose to speak calmly. and to give you lots of hugs when you cried. 
and you know what!? it made a difference. you were still kind of mean. but not nearly as mean as you were on the official backwards day. and that doesn't really matter. because it made a difference in me. at day's end, i wasn't nearly as exhausted and i had much better thoughts about you and about myself. i wasn't angry; i was proud of you for being you and dealing with it so well the other 99% of the time. i figured you deserve a day every once in awhile to just completely flip out. and if you're going to have to take it out on someone, i guess i'm glad you chose me. that shows me you're comfortable with me and you're willing to show me your true self - insecurities, frustrations and all. 

i really do love you leah. i know sometimes you probably think i don't show it enough, but i'm going to try my very hardest to remember this experience and to always treat you with the kindness and love you deserve. because you absolutely do deserve it. 

i love you, little leah. even when you're backwards. 


  1. thank you for sharing this maren!i made a pact with myself this year to try my hardest to not get so frustrated and it lasted about a week. so I had to reboot and start again! but youre so right, how we react has a huge impact! love you!

  2. We have far too many of those days around here too. This post of yours came at just the right time! I know, for all of us, how we react is a decision we make. I'm learning to put on Em's wrist protectors, make sure she's in a place where she can't hurt herself and then just let her flip out. When it's done, I try and look her in the eye and tell her I know it's hard but I love her.
    As Erica said, thank you for sharing. And I love her little inside out french braids...I've got to try that!