what. a. day.

dear little leah, 

what a day. what a two-days, actually. yesterday i basically threw in the towel. i was done, done, done being a mom. i was done being a wife. i was done being me. i was frustrated with nearly every aspect of my life and just felt the walls crumbling down all around me. it was a bad day from start to finish. just ask dad. 

i've tried ever so hard to help you out on the potty. and yesterday, after we sat there, two different times, for 20-30 minutes each and you told me you were done, we pulled those pull ups over your tiny little bum cheeks and then you pooped. yup. twice. you knew. you knew you weren't done, but you knew i'd trust you when you stared at me straight on with those beautiful blues when i asked if you were. and then you knew you'd go as soon as you got off. 

i know you don't have control over most aspects of your life. and my thought is that this is you taking control over something. and so i threw in the towel.

that was just one of about a bazillion things that went wrong. 

and then i got an email from grandma h. one of those emails you don't want to get when you're in a bad mood because she said all the right things to make me feel better about myself and the situation. but i still wanted to be in a bad mood. i wanted to pout. the email did make me feel a teency bit better. but i still chose to pout. don't hate me. sometimes i just need to pout.

today i met with the directors and teachers at your new school {another post for another day}. it went great. fabulous. fantastic. couldn't have asked for a better meeting and i'm actually excited for your iep next week. i know. whoa mom. calm down. but i am! it's going to be a good year. 

but then tonight i held tight to a screaming, kicking, hitting, flailing, wailing, teeth-gnashing leah and had no idea what was wrong. just another kick while i was down. a little salt in the wound. knowing that anything could have been wrong - tummy ache, headache, bad day, hair in your face, too hot, too cold, whatever - and i'll never know. i have no way to get inside your little mind and hear those thoughts that i'm sure are bursting at the seams to come out. 

i'm just done with today. i hope that's okay. we'll try again tomorrow. 

love, 

a-not-so-good-mommy