Sunday, April 22, 2012

one of those days...

Dear Little Leah, 

I did it again. I went and had one of those days. I'm tired. I'm emotional. And I'm just not perfect. 

I've worried a lot about you lately. A lot a lot. Your seizures. Your hitting. Your instability. And I fear I just don't know how to be your mom. I'm trying my best, I really am. 

I want what's best for you. But I'm afraid sometimes I don't even know what is best. 

And when I think I've figured out what is best, I don't know how to accomplish it. 

I truly believe you have untapped potential. But I don't know your limits or how hard I should push you to reach that potential. 

I know there are things I could be doing that I'm not. 

I know there are things I should be doing that I'm not. 

I know there are things I'm doing that I probably shouldn't be doing. 

And so I continue to worry. I worry about how life is going to change in the next few weeks and how it might affect you. I worry about how it might affect me and my ability to care for you. I worry about our girl's only summer and if I'll even be able to survive. But if I do, I worry that I won't have the energy to give you all you need with a new little one in our house. I don't want you or your needs to fall to the wayside, and I'm just not sure how to balance it all (after all, I only have two arms and you usually take up both of them). 

And so, put all those thoughts into a bowl, mix them up with my tears, fears and other emotions and you kind of have a wreck of a mom tonight. Sorry about that. It's just one of those days. 

I love you. Really, I do. Even though I made you eat all of your dinner and you didn't want to. 


  1. Oh mare, you're a much better mom than you give yourself credit for. you do a wonderful job with leah beah. i wouldn't have it any other way (you being leah's mom, that is)!

  2. you know we all have those days. I can imagine you are worried about the upcoming changes-anyone would be. but if there is anyone I know that can handle pretty much everything and do it with style and grace-it is you my friend. hugs!

  3. Man do I wish that the other side of our country wasn't far away! I can say with absolute certainty that in two years you will have gone through a lot of good days and a few bad ones. As overwhelming as it is, there is something that this little sister will bring to Leah that is more tha you can begin to dream of. The love that will flow through the Layton family will be bountiful and will outweight any of the things that might have been more or less helpful. This coming from somebody who dropped her daughters bottom in the toliet just minutes after she recovered from a seizure, Claire and I both made it through.

  4. Your post says it all! One way I reduced my anxiety about Olivia's arrival was to make a plan and get help with Emmy. Once I had people in place that could provide Em with what she needed so I could have time to recover and bond with Liv, I felt a lot better. Being almost six weeks out now I feel a lot more confident. I still need help and will for a while but I've kind of accepted that as our new "normal". I really haven't had all three by myself for longer than four or five hours. You will survive are such an amazing mommy!

  5. I know I'm a little behind on reading this blog, but I've witnessed you with your two girls, every day lately, and like everyone has already said, you are amazing.