broken

dear little leah, 

well. you finally did it. you broke me. 

i actually walked out of a store today with tears streaming down my face. 

i thought it would be fun to take you to costco to pick up some pictures and then treat you to some pizza and frozen yogurt. you thought it would be more fun to hit and scream and bite {you even broke the skin}. 

i was patient. i calmed you down each time you flipped and i kept a smile on my face. sure, i was getting tired of it, but i tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. maybe you had a hard day at school. maybe you didn't sleep well last night. maybe i was feeding you the wrong things...or the right things just in the wrong order. i'll never know. 

but after a few unsuccessful swipes, you reached as far as your little braced arms could reach and you grabbed the pizza plate. 

it went flying. all over the table. all over the floor. all over me.

luckily no one was sitting extremely close to us {probably because of the previous screaming, hitting and biting episodes?}, so they were safe from the pizza's - and your - wrath. 

i, however, was not. 

i picked you up off my lap, sat you on the bench, and began to pick up the pieces of pizza. only i was breaking into pieces too and i wasn't so good at picking those pieces up. i felt a warm tear well up in my eye. i tried to suck it back in, but it burst out. and slowly, one by one, more tears came to join the party. i threw away the plate and what was left of the pizza. more and more people started to stare. i tried to not make a scene. i wasn't sobbing. i really tried to keep my composure. and i didn't even yell at you once. i just cried. there were probably 40 eyes on me when i finally got you in the cart and wheeled you to the exit. 

i let you know how i felt when we got to the car because i thought you should know. i don't know if you can help it or not. i think today, you could. you really calmed down once the tears came. and to be honest, i'm not too sorry about it. your behavior was absolutely unacceptable. and it makes me sad that it took my tears to snap you out of it. 

i know it's hard, little leah. but we've got to keep trying. i don't want to have to avoid public situations for the rest of my life. i really want to be able to treat you to a slice of pizza and a frozen yogurt without being punished. i really, really do. 

i'm sorry that you went straight to your room and will stay there until your play date for piano this afternoon. but, it's better for both of us. 

today was a bad day. 

tomorrow will be better. 

i still love you. 

love, 

mommy

p.s no pictures of the fiasco. usually i don't mind getting a snapshot or two, but the tears made me move quickly.

p.p.s. i'm thinking of making an online purchase for myself this afternoon to console me. do you think i deserve it?