broken

dear little leah, 

well. you finally did it. you broke me. 

i actually walked out of a store today with tears streaming down my face. 

i thought it would be fun to take you to costco to pick up some pictures and then treat you to some pizza and frozen yogurt. you thought it would be more fun to hit and scream and bite {you even broke the skin}. 

i was patient. i calmed you down each time you flipped and i kept a smile on my face. sure, i was getting tired of it, but i tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. maybe you had a hard day at school. maybe you didn't sleep well last night. maybe i was feeding you the wrong things...or the right things just in the wrong order. i'll never know. 

but after a few unsuccessful swipes, you reached as far as your little braced arms could reach and you grabbed the pizza plate. 

it went flying. all over the table. all over the floor. all over me.

luckily no one was sitting extremely close to us {probably because of the previous screaming, hitting and biting episodes?}, so they were safe from the pizza's - and your - wrath. 

i, however, was not. 

i picked you up off my lap, sat you on the bench, and began to pick up the pieces of pizza. only i was breaking into pieces too and i wasn't so good at picking those pieces up. i felt a warm tear well up in my eye. i tried to suck it back in, but it burst out. and slowly, one by one, more tears came to join the party. i threw away the plate and what was left of the pizza. more and more people started to stare. i tried to not make a scene. i wasn't sobbing. i really tried to keep my composure. and i didn't even yell at you once. i just cried. there were probably 40 eyes on me when i finally got you in the cart and wheeled you to the exit. 

i let you know how i felt when we got to the car because i thought you should know. i don't know if you can help it or not. i think today, you could. you really calmed down once the tears came. and to be honest, i'm not too sorry about it. your behavior was absolutely unacceptable. and it makes me sad that it took my tears to snap you out of it. 

i know it's hard, little leah. but we've got to keep trying. i don't want to have to avoid public situations for the rest of my life. i really want to be able to treat you to a slice of pizza and a frozen yogurt without being punished. i really, really do. 

i'm sorry that you went straight to your room and will stay there until your play date for piano this afternoon. but, it's better for both of us. 

today was a bad day. 

tomorrow will be better. 

i still love you. 

love, 

mommy

p.s no pictures of the fiasco. usually i don't mind getting a snapshot or two, but the tears made me move quickly.

p.p.s. i'm thinking of making an online purchase for myself this afternoon to console me. do you think i deserve it?

school pictures

dear little leah,

well. here she is. your very first school photo. a smashing success, if i do say so myself. 

you picked out your outfit. you agreed to your hairbows, but i chose the hairstyle. the perfectionist mother in me wants to comb your bangs straight, but let's be honest - we know there's no perfectionist in me. you're looking at the camera and smiling. at the same time. it's a christmas miracle! i'm more than pleased. probably the cutest preschooler i've ever seen in my entire life. thanks for humoring me and making this first-ever one i will treasure forever. 

love you, little leah. 

love, 

mommy

yuck

dear little leah, 

thanks, but no thanks. 

love, 

mommy

out of sorts

dear little leah, 

this weekend was great. and it was awful. both at the same time. 

we spent the extended weekend with family in the l.a. area. you met your great aunt karen and your new cousin, cannon, and you got to catch up with cousins kenz and e, uncles dan and ed, aunts kelli and heather and grandma and grandpa hauley. we were only missing the csk's. 

you did okay in the car. you didn't really sleep, but you were happy to look out the window, i guess. and then when we got to their house you turned into a monster. really, you did. you looked like a sweet little girl, but you behaved non-human. see?

there was much screaming and thrashing and drooling and yelling. your poor mouth is a train wreck of sores. we had to double brace you the entire weekend. we've barely seen those things in a month and you had them 24/7. you flailed your arms and food went flying at mealtimes. we went on lots of "walks" just to get away. daddy has a bite mark on his arm as a memento of the weekend and you're lucky i didn't hit you back for as many times as you swiped at my face. oh yah, and you pooped all over my shirt. thanks for that.

maybe you did it to get us some sympathy? you were trying to let others see how amazing mom and dad are for dealing with you all day long? but that's not really fair to you. you have your moments, sure. but we know you're a sweet little girl at heart. you like to giggle more than scream, smile more than slobber and behave more than tantrum - i know that. 

maybe you wanted room to roam? quarters were a bit cramped, but we can't expect d and h to rent a bigger house just for us to come visit them once a year. ca rent is pricey, friend. plus, it was our stuff that was cramping everything. 

perhaps you were just behaving like a regular old three year old? that could be very true. and if so, i'm sorry for calling you out on it. you deserve to be three.

problem is, i'm pretty sure i'll never know why you were so ill-behaved this weekend. i didn't like it one bit - let's make that clear. and i think you're now back to your regular self. we just checked on you in your bedroom and you were sleeping on the floor right next to your bed. that seems pretty normal to me. let's hope normal is the case. 

otherwise we might not be invited back to visit. and those cousins of yours are much too cute to not visit ever again. 

i {still} love you. 

love, 

mommy

all for nothin'

dear little leah, 

we worked hard all month to fatten you up. one pound. that's all i wanted. you did great. you ate everything i gave you. 

and then you got sick. 

and didn't eat anything for four days. 

so much for trying to fatten you up. 

here's to hoping the two hamburgers we gave you last weekend and the quesadilla {with extra cheese}, dipped in avocado and ranch dressing {made with full fat mayo and vitamin d milk} for tonight's dinner will work wonders. 

love you, little leah. 

love, 

mommy